Fear is a natural state unless you are a teenage boy. Children fear being alone, twentysomething’s fear the unpredictability of their future. How will I pay the bills? Is that car going to crash into me?
And being a parent has its own set of fears. When my baby falls, will he get hurt? Will my tween get bullied in school? Is my teenager going to get in trouble drinking? Am I teaching this little being to grow to be a happy, productive member of society? Will my kids stay healthy? Will I be around as long as they need me? Am I teaching them little nuggets of wisdom that will help them as they journey through life?
Tangent warning (It will all come back around. I promise):
Today as I was driving with my kids, I saw a car with a tire that was ready to pop. The kids asked me why I pulled over and let that car pass me and why I slowed down. I told them that I could see that car had a problem with the tire and if the tire popped, the car would be difficult to control. I wanted to stay away from the car if that happened.
As I said it, I heard my dad’s voice. From the time I was small, he was always talking to me about how to drive safely. If you can’t see a truck’s mirrors, they can’t see you. Bridges freeze first. Tractor-trailers cannot accelerate or brake as fast as cars. He always passed along that advice any chance he got, and I know it has helped me avoid a few accidents over the years.
We are nearing what would have been his 69th birthday, and next month will be the 16th anniversary of the heart attack that took him from us.
Back to Fear
My dad passed when he was just 53. He never met any of his children’s spouses or any of his grandchildren. When I am 53, my son will be 16 and my daughter will be 14. As an old mom, this thought haunts me all the time.
What can I do about genetics? I take my cholesterol pills, I have never even tried a cigarette, and never will. I’m exercising regularly and trying to eat healthy on a tight budget in an effort to lose some extra pounds. I sing every day too – it reduces stress. As my doctor bluntly told me, “After 40, you really can’t fight genetics and an unhealthy lifestyle.”
When I don’t want to exercise, I look at my kids. I know that the health and fitness experts would say I should do it for me, but I have to say, these two cutie pies are pretty good motivation.
More Fear
On Black Friday, I skipped the shopping and went for my yearly mammogram. I got a call from the doctor late that afternoon. There is a change from last year in my left breast.
“It is probably just a cyst,” he said. “But let’s get a few more images to be sure.”
I have my follow up next week. Four weeks after the first. For these four weeks, I have been trying to hide the fear of what this could be while creating a happy holiday season for my children. There are days I am successful. There are days I am not. The day we put up the tree, we realized most of our lights were ruined by a flood in the basement a few weeks earlier. I somewhat manically marched everyone down to CVS at 7:00 at night so we could all have that Christmas happiness in the house right now (Dammit!).
As a music teacher, I am also right in the middle of concert season. I consider these weeks with my students to be the weeks where lasting memories are made. In any given year, it is a challenge to calmly teach and encourage them while they are Santa-Crazy and Snow-Bonkers. But I work hard at it, and I think I’m pretty good at it. This has not been any given year, but I still try to remember that these kids deserve that happy memory and it is my job to help them get there.
I have waited with the fear for three weeks, and there is just one week to go. The friends and family I have told have been incredibly supportive. Some reminded me that they would have brought me in right away if it looked really bad and others saying that cysts are common in well-endowed women (damn big ta-tas).
And in this week there are presents to wrap, concerts to run, cookies to bake and holiday merriment to be had. The fear is there, but so is life. And I guess that’s really the point.
Photo by RalphArvesen 